The Good Bad (AKA Emotional Broccoli)

“Good things feel good”, and “bad things feel bad”. This seems like common sense… If it feels good to hang out with someone, then we’ll probably do it again. This is the “good” good. If someone is violent or cruel towards me, chances are I’ll exit them from my life. This is the “bad” bad. There is also the “bad” good, like too much alcohol or food or sex. So it makes sense that some of the stuff that feels bad might be good for us. Think of it as the “Good” Bad (aka Emotional Broccoli).

This Good Bad is true across our life spectrum, but it's particularly important in adolescence. Part of the purpose of adolescence is to build the skills needed for adulthood in a safe and supported environment. This is the time to explore things, and work out how to manage BIG feelings around love and hurt, joy and isolation, attraction and rejection, success and failure. By experiencing these victories and struggles, we build resilience and maturity; and we put together a toolkit that will help get us through life after we leave home and forge our own path. 

Time to renovate?

Adolescence is a wild ride. You’re not quite a kid anymore but not yet an adult. During this time, your brain is undergoing some serious renovations. Bits that aren't getting used much get pruned away. Plus, the areas responsible for decision-making and managing emotions are being remodelled, and this can make things feel a bit chaotic.

As teens face challenges like social pressures, academic expectations, and identity exploration, they often experience emotional distress. But here’s the thing: this distress isn’t just random chaos; it a vital part of adolescence, and serves an important purpose. Just like how our muscles need to be pushed to get stronger, our minds need to tackle tough situations to build resilience and coping skills.

Wrap me in bubbles

In recent years, there’s been a noticeable cultural shift prioritising comfort and safety across most areas of life. This trend is especially evident in schools and social settings, where the focus has shifted to creating “safe spaces.” While the intention is good - aiming to protect individuals from harm - this emphasis on comfort can sometimes backfire.

When we wrap ourselves in bubble wrap to avoid any discomfort, we miss out on valuable learning experiences. Emotional challenges help us develop grit and adaptability. If we’re constantly shielded from stressors, we may struggle when faced with real-world challenges later on. It’s like training for a marathon by only walking on a treadmill - sure, it feels safe, but when it’s time to hit the pavement, you might find yourself gasping for breath.

A trigger warning about Trigger Warnings

The rise of safe spaces and trigger warnings has become a hot topic in discussions about mental health. While these concepts aim to create inclusive environments where individuals feel secure expressing themselves, they can also lead to unintended consequences. 

By over-emphasising the need to avoid discomfort, we risk fostering an environment where individuals are less equipped to handle adversity (and diversity of opinions). Trigger warnings can be helpful in certain contexts, but they can also create an expectation that we should avoid anything that might cause discomfort or anxiety. This seems to now be interpreted as: others should avoid anything that might cause me discomfort or anxiety. Such an approach also removes any mutual responsibility to each other, by prioritising my needs above others’ regardless of the context. This mindset can prevent young people from developing the resilience needed to cope with life's inevitable ups and downs.

Micro-stresses

Somehow, we need to find a balance between distress that hurts us and distress that helps us. There is no definite guide for how to categorise stressors into hurtful and helpful. So, yes, we are sometimes going to get them wrong.

However, there is another aspect of this to consider. If we don’t pay attention to the need for little (or micro) stressors, we may not know when we have removed these crucial opportunities to build resilience and coping skills. 

An example of this is noise-cancelling headphones. They seem like a good idea, and arguably, on a long flight are a wonder. But if we wear them throughout the day, we potentially risk losing the capacity to deal with environmental noise. Then, when we are exposed to everyday sounds without the headphones, we may struggle to cope.

Another example is our phones. How many of us can now sit in comfort on public transport and just look out the window? Or have a passing connection by smiling at a stranger? How many of us are willing to sit in the discomfort of not being distracted?

Since he was very young, a boy I know has carried an iPad broadcasting animations with him everywhere. And I mean, EVERYWHERE. He watches it while eating at family dinners. It is held in front of him to lure him to the toilet. How can he learn to sit in the discomfort that inevitably comes in life if we don’t expose him to any discomfort?

Another example of removing micro-stressors is hinted at above. When we expect others to change what they say for our comfort, we sometimes miss out on opportunities to build capacity and resilience.  So many of the “bullying” stories I hear from young people and parents, are arguably poorly handled social interactions rather than bullying. Often, these situations fall on the side of potential micro-stressors that, if handled as such, might actually help to build resilience.

I want to stress that not all bullying or free speech are micro-stressors. Some are huge. And this is a part of the challenge… working out if we can cope with them or not.

There are countless ways in which our striving for comfort has removed opportunities for micro-stressors; these stressors that, paradoxically, help us to cope with life.

Hiding in my phone

Let’s face it: technology has made avoiding discomfort easier than ever. With social media and Netflix offering endless distractions, it’s all too easy to escape into a digital world rather than confront relationships and feelings head-on.

While technology has its perks - like connecting with friends or accessing information - it can both amplify real-life issues and serve as a distraction from dealing with them. When faced with stress or anxiety, many of us opt for scrolling through Instagram instead of addressing our feelings directly. If we don’t build the skills to manage our responses, this avoidance can lead to a cycle where emotional distress builds up without being processed, ultimately impacting mental health.

If we do this at the exact developmental stage designed for us to be learning these skills, we are potentially setting ourselves up for greater future pain.

Upsey Downseys

Ironically, as our society has become more focused on comfort and safety, mental health issues have been on the rise among adolescents. Anxiety and depression rates have skyrocketed in recent years, raising the question of whether our cultural emphasis on avoiding discomfort is contributing to this trend.

By prioritising comfort over challenge, we can create an environment where young people are less prepared for what life will throw at them. The paradox here is clear: striving for comfort now may set us up for greater struggles down the line.

Emotional Sweat?

Believe it or not, some stress is biologically necessary for growth! Our bodies are designed to handle stressors; they build our capacity, and help us to adapt and thrive in changing environments. For instance:

Bones Need Stress: We know that our bones need the stress of walking or lifting weights to grow stronger.

Muscle Development: Think about how your muscles grow through exercise - pushing them beyond their limits helps them adapt and grow stronger over time.

Immune System Functionality: Our immune systems thrive on exposure; encountering germs can help build immunity. 

While we can have too much of these stressors, without them - whether physical or emotional - we risk becoming fragile when faced with life’s inevitable challenges.

Let me fail (sometimes)

So how do we strike a balance between protecting young people from harm while still allowing them to experience emotional challenges they need? It starts with fostering environments that encourage healthy coping strategies rather than avoidance tactics.

Here are some ways we can achieve this balance:

1. Encourage Open Dialogue: Create spaces where adolescents feel comfortable discussing their distress openly.

2. Promote Healthy Risk-Taking: Encourage young people to step outside their comfort zones in safe ways—whether through trying new activities or engaging in challenging conversations.

3. Teach Coping Skills: Equip adolescents with tools for managing stress and anxiety so they can face challenges head-on rather than avoiding them.

4. Support Failure: Be there with love when our young people experience failure; and give them as little as they need to get through it. This might seem counter-intuitive at first, but it really is “no pain, no gain”.

   
   

By promoting exposure to some distress while still offering support and understanding, we can help young people navigate their emotional landscapes more effectively.

Bottom line.

At the end of the day, emotional distress isn’t something to be avoided; it’s an essential part of growing up. For adolescents navigating the complexities of life, experiencing some level of discomfort is crucial for growing into an emotionally healthy adult. Just like broccoli might not be everyone’s favourite veggie but is packed with nutrients that fuel growth, facing emotional challenges helps us develop into stronger individuals and sets us up for future success.

As we continue to explore mental health in our culture, let’s remember that while comfort has its place, embracing discomfort at times can be better for us - creating more opportunities and skills to navigate adulthood. By finding ways to balance protection with exposure, we can empower the next generation to thrive amid life’s inevitable ups and downs - transforming what may seem like “bad” bad into “good” bad.

Dave Anthony is a Registered Music Therapist with more than 20 years of professional experience. He has spent most of that time working in complex trauma and currently works in an acute adolescent mental health unit, private practice mental health, and for recreativ mind:health.

Images sourced from AI and Pixabay with thanks.